It never fails, I'm always standing in the midst of these wonderful women and feeling like I'm just not Christian enough. I'm never Christian enough. These are the women who always have a verse on hand to lend to any situation. They can say the most beautiful prayers. They just radiate Christian values and the ideal of what a Christian woman should be. They are everything I am not. They are like one of the apostles and I'm just some chick hanging out in the crowd trying to touch the hem of Jesus' cloak.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not saying there is anything wrong with women like this. I just always feel so inadequate alongside them. I've always felt like I was never Christian enough. From the time that I was in my Sunday School class as a child and the other kids knew the books of the Bible and could flip to them in an instant. I was always fumbling to find the verse as everyone else was already reading. I even had my Dad buy me chapter tabs in an effort to help. They knew the stories of the Bible front to back and knew the deeper meanings. They knew the people of the Bible without doubt. I was quiet in Sunday School.
As an adult it hasn't decreased any. I don't pray in public. I just typically don't have a public voice anyway. If you asked me to pray in front of a group I'll probably oblige if I can't pass it off to someone else but I'll be grumbling on the inside. My first thought isn't always to take someone to God. Sometimes I just react. I don't devote all my reading time to books about improving my Christian faith and only listen to worship songs. At the moment, I'm reading a murder mystery book and you'll often find me listening to the pop channel. And I've always felt inadequate. These just aren't the shoes that fit me no matter how hard I try to shove my foot in.
It occurred to me recently that the problem is that I'm trying to be like those ladies instead of trying to be like Christ. That's where I have always gone wrong. My life isn't supposed to mirror what I see in other people, even if they are great and admirable people. My life is supposed to mirror Jesus. As long as I'm continually working on my relationship with God and trying to improve myself, then I am Christian enough. God made me unique for a reason and he wants to use my personality for his purpose. I may not be able to say an eloquent prayer in front of a group but I can put thought provoking words on a page, and that's how God made me. That's more than enough for me.